Having A Healthy Marriage

I listened today to Focus on the Family because there was nothing else on the radio. I'm not trying to be negative, it's just my personality to analyze everything and compare it to the bible. One thing that has been happening over the past few decades is a move towards Christian Psychology as a way of understanding how to act and function in our relationships. The problem with Focus on the Family and most other "Christian" counseling is that it really is a great thing if your not a Christian. What I mean is, if you take out Jesus from the whole Christian Psychology thing, you still have a good way to handle marriage problems. Sure these Christian people say you need Jesus to help you accomplish these things, but it's almost as if it's an after thought that they stick on there so they can call it "Christian Counseling".

Here is one example of a F.A.Q answer found on Family.org (Focus on the Family):

What I have said is that people need to learn how to fight fair, because there is a big difference between healthy and unhealthy combat in marriage.

In an unstable marriage, hostility is aimed at the partner's soft underbelly with comments like "You never do anything right!" and "Why did I marry you in the first place?" and "You're getting more like your mother every day!" These offensive remarks strike at the very heart of the mate's self-worth.

Healthy conflict, by contrast, is focused on the issues that cause disagreement. For example: "It upsets me when you don't tell me you're going to be late for dinner." Or: "I was embarrassed when you made me look foolish at the party last night."

Can you hear the difference in these two approaches? The first assaults the dignity of the partner while the second is addressed to the source of conflict. When couples learn this important distinction, they can work through their disagreements without wounding and insulting each other.

You may be wondering why I think this is a problem. The call of the Christian is to lay our lives down and die to ourselves. We are called to give up all our rights to be right, be heard and loved. I heard them say on the program very briefly,

Obviously if pride wasn't an issue it would all end and there wouldn't be any fighting but.."

We all know the truth, but we choose to supress it. We look to other methods and people to solve our problems. Do you want a marriage where there is no fighting? The solution isn't "healthy conflict" it isn't "learning to fight fair" as these organizations suggest. It may be healthy from a worldly standpoint but it certainly doesn't have a leg to stand on biblically.

So if you take my advice, I'll save you hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars from seminars, books, tapes, etc. I've seen it modeled in my parents life as they now celebrate over 35+ years of marriage and a very select few others. Put yourself to death and learn to live not for yourself but for Christ. Lay down your pride, set aside your rights and there can be no conflict. You may say, but if I set aside my right to be heard, then my partner will always have their side heard and I'll never get my way. Lay down your pride. How can a dead person be heard? How can a dead person have rights?

By teaching couples to set aside their pride and give up their rights and in humility model what Jesus modeled for us, all conflict would end. Remember, if you die to yourself and your spouse doesn't that it is between them and God. Your only responsibility is to love them unconditionally, remain faithful, die to yourself and pray for them. Everything else should be of no concern to you, except in prayer. This life isn't about dieing to ourselves only when others have. It isn't a mutual thing. It's a personal choice between you and God, and you alone will answer for at the judgment seat.

04-25-2008 17:42

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