I recently began reading "Dark Night Of The Soul" by St. John of the Cross and it was like he could read my thoughts. It's very humbling to see a description of yourself when it's not pretty. Although I hate to admit that I struggle with these things, it makes me appreciate even more the cross of my Savior, Jesus Christ.
As I look at my life it appears as though I am the biggest of hypocrites. I have spoken to others about the goodness of God and His faithfulness, I've heard all the stories, I've lived the Christian life, I've walked the talk and talked the walk; I've memorized literally thousands of verses including most all the epistles of the Apostle Paul, brilliantly explaining the work of salvation through faith in Christ alone. Even through all this, I find myself saying "it appears as though God does not exist." When I look at all the evil in the world I come to the same conclusion as the atheist, if God exists why does he let this happen. Have you seen an aborted child? Have you seen the effects of aids on millions of orphaned children living with aids themselves? Have you seen the effects of poverty? Have you heard the stories of children being physically and sexually abused? How can God let this happen? Then there is my own life as a living testimony of evil.
It wasn't until recently that I began to understand what Martin Luther talked about when he said:
Be a sinner and sin boldly, but believe and rejoice in Christ even more boldly for He is victorious over sin, death, and the world. As long as we are here in this world we have to sin. This life is not a dwelling place of righteousness.
I was looking back at one of my attempts to keep a journal from a few years ago and I was reminded of Gods faithfulness. It was about 3 years ago I remember standing by our fireplace praying about a lot of things, I said jokingly, "God give us the most snow we've had in 30 years." This was in March, and two days later it snowed, it snowed a lot. In fact I was watching the news the night it snowed and to my surprise they said "This is the most snow we've had in over 30 years for the month of March." I was reminded by reading this that God does indeed answer prayers and He often does it in spite of our lack of faith.
I originally posted this in my previous blog on May 17th, 2005
Today has been one of those days when everything in life seems like a chasing after the wind. I'm tired physically, mentally, and spiritually. The words from II Corinthians 4:7-11 have great meaning tonight,
II Corinthians 4:7-11
"7But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. 8We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 10Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 11For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh."