All I Have Is Faith!

As I look at my life it appears as though I am the biggest of hypocrites. I have spoken to others about the goodness of God and His faithfulness, I've heard all the stories, I've lived the Christian life, I've walked the talk and talked the walk; I've memorized literally thousands of verses including most all the epistles of the Apostle Paul, brilliantly explaining the work of salvation through faith in Christ alone. Even through all this, I find myself saying "it appears as though God does not exist." When I look at all the evil in the world I come to the same conclusion as the atheist, if God exists why does he let this happen. Have you seen an aborted child? Have you seen the effects of aids on millions of orphaned children living with aids themselves? Have you seen the effects of poverty? Have you heard the stories of children being physically and sexually abused? How can God let this happen? Then there is my own life as a living testimony of evil. I fail so much, I am unloving, I lie, I lust, I covet, I steal, I hate. I find myself doing these things often with no perceivable ability to stop. I don't swear but at times like this its the only thing that come to my mind; I just want to yell, "God where the hell are you, I need you and you're not here, I'm alone and afraid". I'm afraid that my past experiences were just emotional hype, I'm afraid I'll never experience the power of God working in and through my life. I'm the one who has more scripture memorized than many Christians have ever read. Isn't the word of God suppose to change our hearts? Isn't the word of God suppose to make us new?

I sit here in fear and doubt struggling to know God and I'm no further along than when I first began years ago. I'm at the same place I've always been. It comes back to the one thing that won't leave me alone. Its apart of who I am, I wish I could walk away and say I don't believe in God and forget about this Christian life. I want to shout, "God does not exist, God you don't exist." But I can't, I know He does and that is what haunts and comforts me at the same time. I don't understand anything but the fact that I can't walk away from God. In all my sin and failures, in all my fears and doubt, I can't walk away and say God does not exist.

It now seems as though I'm back to what the bible tells me I must do--Live By Faith. The bible is correct when it says faith is "the conviction of things not seen" and another translation says "convinces us of the existence of things we cannot see." Faith is something that holds on to us and won't let go. When I can't do anything else, When I've lost hope, When I doubt, faith holds on to me and wont let me go, it convinces and convicts me of the one who I cannot see and gives me hope in the midst of fear and doubt.

04-24-2008 22:18

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